The power of vulnerability for an attractive personality
We have already analysed how behaviour affects attraction. But there is a key matter which, if not properly worked upon, may prevent us from fully developing an attractive personality: the transmission of emotions. During my years as a coach, in which I advised hundreds of men, the trait I found they all had in common was the inability to express their emotions freely. In fact, this is a problem I also used to have. If we try to conceal ourselves and pretend we are something we are not, the we will find ourselves torn by a great incongruity. In contrast, if we open up and show ourselves as we really are, with our strengths and weaknesses, we will be proving that we are not afraid of exposing ourselves, that we are not afraid of rejection. Strong people can open up without fearing getting hurt. They generally put their own beliefs and values before those of others, unless they decide it best to do otherwise. These people are willing to run risks.
Exposing ourselves puts us in an attractive light. If someone is able to expose their weaknesses, it is because they are strong, not weak. Body language offers clears signs of this: slightly tilting your head backwards exposing your jugular is a demonstration of strength, because that is a sensitive area. The same happens with leaving the area of your crotch or chest exposed.
Similarly, certain actions which are in most cases interpreted as signs of weakness, actually take a lot of courage, like telling someone how they much they move us or how happy their presence makes us. These situations expose us to rejection, but this is not a bad thing, I would even dare say it is a good thing. It’s as the saying goes: “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
Being exposed to rejection can strengthen our belief in ourselves. It may also make us feel uncomfortable, I’m not saying it won’t, but it is that very feeling which will make us stronger. The concept of vulnerability has been widely studied and developed in studies on seduction.
It is there in both Mystery Method and Models, by Mark Manson. The more honest we are about our flaws, the more people will think that we are perfect. The more comfortable we are about not being perfect, the more people will think that we are.
There are two ways of exposing ourselves: emotionally or socially. Emotional exposure has to do with sharing our fears and insecurities, but it’s not that we should go around telling everybody about our weaknesses, or about our dog who died, searching for kind words or approval.
We shouldn’t word vomit all of our problems on others. This is a typical trait of needy people, and it constitutes a poor way of presenting ourselves. It is all a matter of showing we are not trying to be perfect, that we accept ourselves just the way we are. Social exposure takes place when we are in a situation in which we could be rejected ―e.g. giving an opposing opinion within a group, attempting to kiss a girl, approaching a group of strangers in a pub, offering a public apology after having made a mistake, etc. If we were to do this with the intention of impressing people, then we wouldn’t be truly exposing ourselves. We wouldn’t be truly connecting with our feelings, and this is what ultimately matters.
Exposure is not immediately related to what we say, but to the emotions we want to transmit. It is by sharing the same feelings that we connect with other people. Fix this into your minds: no trick will help you here! We could pretend to share someone’s feelings, but it is not something I recommend; it won’t work in the long run, let alone make you a better person. It is necessary that we speak the language of feelings.
If we open up to a girl for the sole reason of sleeping with her, the only thing that will be out in the open is our wish to end up in her bed. We ought to be honest about our intentions. It is important to be authentic even if showing ourselves that way makes us scared or nervous. It is perfectly OK to feel that way.
If you are not doing well with women, you are probably having trouble expressing your true emotions and intentions and getting in touch with your feelings. Perhaps conversations with women end up becoming dull because you try to avoid saying things which might upset them. Or because you delay kissing them out of fear of being rejected. Or because you don’t want to do anything which might make them uncomfortable. All these issues have a common origin: the inability to express ourselves freely. The current trend is acting as if we were always fine, we smile constantly and we don’t express ourselves authentically. We give empty answers, like “everything’s fine”. We pretend we have perfect lives through social networks. We have been taught to express ourselves in an unconstructive way, to repress certain emotions, to keep our feelings to ourselves, to try to get everyone to like us, and to avoid doing anything that might be considered “stupid”. It is possible that in our homes there were certain subjects which were considered taboo, which might have generated something akin to a childhood trauma. It may be the case that our parents had trouble expressing their own emotions.
If you want to have real, deep relationships and true friendships, it is important that you share your true feelings ―it is at that level that real trust is born. Try to feel comfortable about your emotions, and don’t be afraid of expressing yourself. This is something that goes beyond your relationship with women. It has to do with a personal makeover.
A more confident, vibrant and unreserved version of yourself will connect with others naturally. These concepts are not meant to help you become a better seducer, but a better person. We are talking about identity changes related to mentality and beliefs. Sex will be a collateral effect of these changes. Sex is not the main goal, it just happens.
Leaving someone hanging is another way of displaying vulnerability, because it makes you liable to rejection, and because it shows you are not needy and you are not investing your all. It is actually a good way to see whether she is interested in resuming contact with you. If she doesn’t, then it is possible she is not interested in you.
The idea is for you to feel perfectly fine with being rejected ―if you don’t, then you are not approaching women with the right intentions. As was already discussed, we shouldn’t try to obtain something from them, we shouldn’t try to get their approval, or get into their beds. If this were so, then we would be investing more than them, and being needier. There are no bad moves when we express ourselves honestly and say how we feel.
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